The perils of postnatal exercise: Part IV

Everything hurts.

From my hairy toes up to my double chin, my body is on fire (and not in a sexy way).

So, for those of you who are new here, I will elaborate. Five weeks ago, in a fit of I’m so fat I need to lose my baby bulge desperation, I signed up to Bootcamp. And instantly regretted it. But I’d already parted with my money and, because the (self proclaimed) Northern Love Machine made a bet that I wouldn’t stick it, I’ve carried on.

And boy was that a mistake.

Tonight consisted of running around a room, stopping, and then running again. We also practiced a new form of torture called The Plank. Yes, it is as scary as it sounds. And we did terrifying exercises with weights. Not to mention the press-ups and tricep dips. Oh, and the running. Did I tell you about the running?

That was my downfall. I hate running. I hate it even more after tonight. After last week’s flatulent car thief episode, I was aiming to keep a low profile. But the running put paid to that.

It was when we started to jog that I felt a pain in my boob. That was when I realised that in my haste to breastfeed the baby, put her to bed and get out of the door on time, I’d forgotten to do up my milk bra. (I believe the correct term is “nursing” bra, but you get the idea).

Before you question why I wasn’t wearing a sports bra, I will tell you: I don’t have one. Nor does any half sane person I know. Who actually has underwear specifically for sporting activities? Really? And anyway, aren’t milk bras pretty similar? They’re massive and particularly unflattering.

Clearly not. As milk bras undo like this:

So, imagine a woman running around a room, with one full breast lolling about in front of her, clearly visible through her thin T’shirt. Then imagine said woman galloping around in a circle of fifteen others, facing inwards, trying to discreetly tuck the stray lolloping breast away without drawing too much attention to herself or flashing to the entire circle.

Yep, it’s impossible. I am now a hairy toed, pants-wetting, flatulent car thief with a penchant for flashing one full breast at anyone unlucky enough to be looking.

Watch out Katie Price, that’s all I’ll say on the matter.



Filed under Fitness

33 responses to “The perils of postnatal exercise: Part IV

  1. i think i love you!

    and actually i wear a sports bra (i am marathon training dahling) tonight i came in from a run to find my normally white bra red with blood where a back blister had burst open – sexy!

    and they say exercise is good for you

    • You’re doing a marathon?! Are you mad?! You’ve completely upstaged me now. All I had was one flashing breast and you’ve got a back blister. *Plans to deliberately injure herself for future blog material*

  2. actually i have five back blisters courtsey of a half marathon i ran on sunday – only one popped tho!

  3. How have I missed your other humiliating posts? Not to worry will check them out now. And remember – your loss is our gain hairy toes.

  4. Catherine Ross

    Oh dear, it all sounds so familiar. I spent a year exercising in secret. Now my daughter is over a year and Weight Watchers is helping with the flab I finally ventured our in my P.E. Kit last night to a Zumba Toning class. I wobbled my way through the 45 min class and was very glad of my sports bra!

  5. Catherine Ross

    Oh, and I lost count of the number of times I found myself wandering around a shopping centre or chasing the toddler through soft play with a boob (sometimes two) out. I think it’s a right of passage!

  6. Never mind freelancing, Molly…I think you’re destined for Page 3! 😉

  7. Oh and by the way – did you see that I just contributed to your blog by adding a comment?! That’s because I am HOME ALONE!!! Yes, I have just dropped little Arthur off for his first morning at pre-school – happy as a pig in poo 🙂 Meanwhile I sit here – an emotional wreck!! Being a mum is tricky sometimes 😦

  8. PMSL, I believe is the appropriate accronym! And I feel guily for having just polished off a bag of Aero Bubbles whilst reading. Good luck with the bootcamp – other than that I’m pretty speechless at what I’ve just read. Hilarious! 🙂 xXx

  9. Hilarious!!! 🙂 You are so funny.
    By the way I’ve tagged you for an award because I love your humour 🙂

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  11. mum

    Ever the teacher – practise the verb has an s and practice the noun has a c. You must have been tired when you wrote it!
    ma x

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  13. Oh how funny, that really made me laugh out loud. Never mind after all that exercise at least you’ll soon be a slim boob flasher :)) x

  14. This post made me giggle out loud. Glad you joined in and good luck with bootcamp although it sounds pretty scary to me :-).

  15. Thank you. I really did pee myself reading this! x

  16. Sounds lovely! This post is so funny, and I am also going through the perils of breastfeeding. Unfortunately I gave up on the nursing bras so I tend to just whip mine out of my normal non underwired bra I bought while I was pregnant. (equally unflattering with big straps!)

  17. This is the most hilarious post I’ve read in a while. Thanks! I’m a bit of an exercise freak, but totally get where you’re coming from. I am however impressed you are going to such extremes while still breast feeding. I put exercise right to the bottom of the to-do list during that period. Good for you!

  18. ha ha ha your post made me laugh out loud! I had an escaping boob incident at Aqua Aerobics last week. Embarrassing!

  19. Pingback: Sometimes it’s hard, to be, a woman (dum de dum de dum) | Mother's Always Right

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