There’s nothing quite like having a baby to dent your ego.
After spending the last fortnight trying to encourage Frog to clap for me, it would appear I’ve finally succeeded. But it’s not something I’m pleased about.
Let me explain.
It’s taken two weeks of singing, dancing and general embarrassing behaviour to try to get my daughter to notice me. Despite the most entertaining performances on my part, she’s been completely unimpressed, choosing instead to applaud the lady at Baby Sensory instead. I’m not going to go on about this as I’ve whinged enough about it already. Suffice to say I’m not pleased about the situation.
But it seems I’ve cracked her. Crack being the optimum word in this instance.
Because this morning, I not only got a whole 30 seconds worth of applause from my daughter, she gave me a laugh longer and louder than any I’ve heard from her before. Now, you’d think this would make me happy, but no, it’s actually left me traumatised.
It was the way I got the clap and laugh, you see.
It all stems from Frog’s recent refusal to have a morning nap. Me being the vain woman that I am, I used to put her down for a sleep and use that hour to have a shower, maybe even straighten my hair. Reluctant to start my day smelling like the back end of a baboon, I’ve stuck fast with the shower routine despite my baby’s refusal to go back to bed. Now she comes too – not in the shower, you understand, but into the bathroom. She bounces in her door bouncer, a captive audience to my leg-shaving and hair-washing.
But this morning I dropped the soap. Thinking nothing of it, I turned my back on Frog – who was watching me intently – and bent down. And it was at that moment, with my bare arse pointed to the world in all its glory, that my baby let out the loudest laugh and longest applause I’ve ever heard.
Now, call me ungrateful, but it’s not really the reaction I was looking for. Not that I was hoping she’d wolf-whistle me, that would just be wrong. But she could at least have looked the other way, pretending not to notice the ginormous size of my behind. A huge whoop and clap isn’t the best way to repair the fragile ego of a woman currently battling the post-baby bulge.
I can only draw two conclusions from Frog’s behaviour. Either, she’s an insensitive soul with no regard for her poor mother’s insecurities, or she’s found her future career. I wonder how my mum will react when she finds out her granddaughter is going to become the next Peter Stringfellow?