Do you ever feel like you’re standing on a bank of shifting sand, trying not to fall over? Ever get that nervous feeling in the pit of your stomach as you look to the future with no idea what it holds? Do you know how it feels not to be able to enjoy the present, because you’re too damn hooked up on what could be around the corner?
It’s Christmas soon. My favourite time of year. And with a toddler (who is yet to toddle) it should be even more exciting. Except it’s not. Because all I can think about is what happens afterwards; what January will hold for my family and I, as we try to negotiate those shifting sands.
We have a lot of stuff going on at the moment. Work stuff. House stuff. More work stuff. We don’t know where we’ll be living this time next year or where we’ll be working. We don’t know where Frog will be spending most of her days – with a childminder or with me. We don’t know where the year is going to take us or which path is the “correct” one to follow. Everything’s a bit up in the air.
While this would have excited me in my former, pre-baby life, what I crave now is a bit of stability. I want to be able to make plans, to look ahead with a calm feeling instead of a queasy one. I want to be able to fold my daughter’s clothes and put them away in her room, without wondering how much longer I’ll be doing this daily task in this actual room. What will the next room look like? Where will it be?
It doesn’t help that my parents are in a similar situation. Our family home of the past 24 years went on the market yesterday. Bristol will no longer be “home”, as my mum and dad make the move further into the depths of the West Country. The last place of constant familiarity and stability in my life is not going to remain for much longer.
So as I struggle to keep my balance on the shifting sands beneath my feet, I need to look at the important things in my life and not get bogged down by the inconsequential ones. We are healthy. We have each other. We have food on the table and a roof over our heads.
And I need to remember; home is where we are, where ever that may be.