Shifting sands and crystal balls

Do you ever feel like you’re standing on a bank of shifting sand, trying not to fall over? Ever get that nervous feeling in the pit of your stomach as you look to the future with no idea what it holds? Do you know how it feels not to be able to enjoy the present, because you’re too damn hooked up on what could be around the corner?

It’s Christmas soon. My favourite time of year. And with a toddler (who is yet to toddle) it should be even more exciting. Except it’s not. Because all I can think about is what happens afterwards; what January will hold for my family and I, as we try to negotiate those shifting sands.

We have a lot of stuff going on at the moment. Work stuff. House stuff. More work stuff. We don’t know where we’ll be living this time next year or where we’ll be working. We don’t know where Frog will be spending most of her days – with a childminder or with me. We don’t know where the year is going to take us or which path is the “correct” one to follow. Everything’s a bit up in the air.

While this would have excited me in my former, pre-baby life, what I crave now is a bit of stability. I want to be able to make plans, to look ahead with a calm feeling instead of a queasy one. I want to be able to fold my daughter’s clothes and put them away in her room, without wondering how much longer I’ll be doing this daily task in this actual room. What will the next room look like? Where will it be?

It doesn’t help that my parents are in a similar situation. Our family home of the past 24 years went on the market yesterday. Bristol will no longer be “home”, as my mum and dad make the move further into the depths of the West Country. The last place of constant familiarity and stability in my life is not going to remain for much longer.

So as I struggle to keep my balance on the shifting sands beneath my feet, I need to look at the important things in my life and not get bogged down by the inconsequential ones. We are healthy. We have each other. We have food on the table and a roof over our heads.

And I need to remember; home is where we are, where ever that may be.

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10 Comments

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10 responses to “Shifting sands and crystal balls

  1. Good reminder. I needed that today, as we had a battle to get where we are and while things are distracting, we do have food on the table and a roof over our heads.

  2. It sounds like things are moving on a bit quicker for you at the moment but I know how you feel. We know we need to get out of our flat, we have a baby on the way, hubby may have a job up north. Where will my son go to school? the list is endless and it’s worrying too. I guess you just have to go with the flow and what is meant to be will be.

    My parents moved abroad 7 years ago and it’s odd not having that base anymore. I love their home but I sometimes wish I could just go and stay in my ‘old’ room with all the comforts and memories 🙂 x

  3. I’m so very sorry that you’re facing all that. That was me until this year – two relocations in 11 months and several preceding years of possibly pending moves due to husband’s jobs. My nine-year-old has been to four schools, but the younger kids are the less affected they become so long as their family unit is stable. I’ve learnt, and it sounds so cliched, that you should just make the most of each day and train yourself not to look beyond the next week (hard because, like you, I love planning ). Writing your thoughts down also helps make sense of shifting realities – you probably noticed that when you wrote that blog. And gin picnics are good too. It’s still rough, though, to be in the position you’re in right now and I wish you calm and courage.

    • Thank you for the wise words. I know I need to get things in perspective and enjoy each day as it comes. Life is, generally, good. I just need to let go of having to plan everything and accept that I can’t be in control all the time. Easier said than done though. Gin picnics sound like fun. Maybe I’ll have one of those tomorrow!

  4. Selling my childhood home this March–a year to the day after my mom’s death–was one of the most horrible experiences I’ve gone through. People had told my siblings and I we’d find ourselves at each others’ throats, but we didn’t believe it because we’ve long been good friends and are all sensible people.

    Oh, it was a struggle. So then, when I flew back to Eugene recently, I found myself anxious about if I could possibly feel at home. If the ghosts of those arguments would linger.

    I saw my brother and BIL and just like that, I knew home was never about a place. I, too, crave stability much more now that I’m a mom, but remembering that moment soothes me.

    Good luck, lady.

    • Thanks Deb. It sounds like you had a horrible experience to go through. The whole stability thing is one that’s taken me by surprise, as I’ve never been bothered before. I’ve lived in 7 different places (different countries, cities and parts of the UK) in the last 10 years and that’s always excited me before. I guess I’ve turned boring and like things to be a bit more predictable now I’m a mum.

  5. Hang in there Molly. Home is always the people you love, and who love you. That is not made of bricks and mortar, it’s so much more special than that.

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