My husband isn’t on Facebook. The (self-proclaimed) Northern Love Machine did have a page, but decided to close it down. “If I want to speak to someone, I’ll ring them,” he said. “I don’t even really know half the people on there anyway.”
He has a point.
Since I started the new job at the beginning of the month, I’ve spent more time on Facebook. I get into work at 5am and it’s one of the first sites I check. It says a lot about the age we live in, that often the “big” things people are talking about will be picked up by social networking sites before other forms of media.
But my new job also involves very early starts. 3.45am starts. The kind of starts which can induce grumpiness at the best of times, even if you love your job.
So, when I arrive at work and dutifully log into Facebook it may be unsurprising that I’m instantly repelled by many of the status updates I scroll down to read.
At 5am, when I have driven 45 minutes through rain to work (again, even if it’s to a job I love), wearing odd socks, looking like I’ve been dragged through a hedge backwards, I don’t want to hear about how perfect everyone else’s life is.
I don’t want to know how rich you are. Or how in love you are. Or how incredibly advanced and intelligent your children are. Or how many toys you buy them. Or how many holidays you’re going on. Or how thin and beautiful you are.
I just want you to shove off so I can carry on being normal in peace.
Because, I’m sorry, no one is perfect all of the time. I just don’t buy it.
Fair enough, you’ve had a pay rise. Shout about it. But don’t follow it up with an update about how your toddler has learned the dictionary backwards. And certainly don’t regale me with stories of your incredible breakfast-in-bed making husband on a Saturday morning. Who do you think you are? Gwyneth Paltrow?
I mean, really.
So, Facebook, I do not believe you. I think you are lying a little bit.
And if you’re going to lie, then I will too….
“Molly….is very excited after winning £10m on the lottery and seeing her formerly non-toddling toddler run a marathon this afternoon. Oh, and by the way, her husband has just had a £200k pay rise and is taking the family on a holiday to Barbados. So there.”