Baby, I’m bilingual

If anyone ever tells you that having a baby turns your brain to mush, ignore them.

So called “Baby Brain” is actually an enhanced form of intelligence that women develop after giving birth. People tell us “Baby Brain” actually means we’re thick, because they are jealous. But what this condition really is, is a supernatural power to speak new languages.

That’s right, I am now *puffs chest out proudly* bilingual.

Well, actually, I am trilingual. Because not only do I speak Baby, I am also fluent in Toddler. For those of you who question if Baby and Toddler are actual, real languages, let me assure you, they are. In fact, they are actually harder to speak than Spanish, German, Japanese, Afrikaans…(you get the picture).

Now, don’t get me wrong, I don’t prescribe to the coochy coo and bumty bum and gobbledeegook school of Baby that some others do. In fact, these are made up words in the language of Baby, spoken by imposters who can’t actually speak the language (rather like my own version of French, which I have been known to practise while alone, but this is a whole other post).

No, no, real Baby consists of a complicated mixture of plain English words, song and high-pitched vowels. For the beginners amongst you, here is a transcript of an earlier conversation I held with my daughter in Baby:

Frog (smiling happily): Oooooweeeeee he he he he

Me: Hello darling, are you enjoying yourself? What shall we play with today?

(Frog continues to play, ignoring me)

Me: Oooooweeeeee Frog! Frog woooooooooo what shall we play with?

(Still no answer)

Me (breaking into song): Theeeeeeeere was an Old Man Called Michael Finnegan…What is this toy? Wooooooooo yay! Ooooooweeeeee….

To an outsider, this may seem like a mixture of random sounds, words and song. But in actual fact, it makes perfect sense in Baby. I am quite proud of myself actually. It is no mean feat conversing in Baby all day long.

Now, once you have perfected the language of Baby, you will be ready to progress to Toddler.

I have already told you about our Arthur, Frog’s next-door Brother. It is amazing, but since giving birth I have been magically able to speak his language. The only problem is, as he gets older, he is forgetting Toddler and moving onto English, which is a shame, as I seem to have forgotten English and am now fluent in Toddler.

For those of you not yet familiar with the basics of Toddler, I will give you a precious gift. It is one word and is possibly the most important one you will ever learn:

Nanoo

In English, this means I love you. But, in my opinion, the Toddler version is far better.

Conversing in Baby and Toddler

(Footnote: If you are feeling generous and would like to share your secret understanding of Baby and Toddler, please add your words below along with the translation into English. Be generous, remember, not everyone has “Baby Brain”).